More Humor From Rokytnji At LinuxForums
(2010-04-15 at 09:34:27 )

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on
the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that
would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time
to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to
as Mother, although she did not mean to imply by this term that she would
have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in
fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional
households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit
and mineral water to her grandmothers house.

But mother, wont this be stealing work from the unionized people who have
struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between
various people in the woods?

Red Riding Hoods mother assured her that she had called the union boss
and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

But mother, are you not oppressing me by ordering me to do this?

Red Riding Hoods mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to
oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all
womyn were free.

But mother, then should you not you have my brother carry the basket,
since he is an oppressor, and should learn what it is like to be
oppressed?

And Red Riding Hoods mother explained that her brother was attending a
special rally for animal rights, and besides, this was not stereotypical
womyns work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling
of community.

But wont I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she is sick and hence
unable to independently further her own selfhood?

But Red Riding Hoods mother explained that her grandmother was not
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
inferior to what some people called HEALTH.

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of
delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based
on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded
the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that
natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red
Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized
peoples would be able to -Come Out- of the woods and be accepted as
valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandmas house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper,
and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her
what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hoods teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but
she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and
chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a
gesture of solidarity.

The Wolf said, You know, my dear, it is not safe for a little girl to
walk through these woods alone.

Red Riding Hood said, I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme,
but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast
from society, the stress of which has caused you to develp and
alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you will excuse me,
I would prefer to be on my way.

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmothers house.

But because his status outside of society had freed him from slavish
adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker
route to Grandmas house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative
of his nature as predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on
Grandmas nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited
developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, Grandma, I have brought
you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role as wise and
nurturing matriarch.

The Wolf said softly Come closer, child, so that I might see you.

Red Riding Hood said, Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!

You forget that I am optically challenged.

And Grandma, what an enormous and fine nose you have.

Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I
did not give in to such societal pressures, my child.

And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a
reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed,
grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she
could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

Are you not forgetting something? Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.
You must request my permission before proceeding in a new level of
intimacy!

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp
on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing
an ax.

Hands off! cried the woodchopper.

And what do you think you are doing? cried Little Red Riding Hood. If I
let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my
own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement
scores on college entrance exams.

Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is
an FBI sting! screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood
nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

Thank goodness you got here in time, said the Wolf. The brat and her
grandmother lured me in here. I though I was a goner.

No, I think I am the real victim, here, said the woodchopper. I have
been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected
flowers earlier. And now I am going to have such a trauma. Do you have
any aspirin?

Sure said the Wolf.

Thanks.

I feel your pain, said the Wolf, giving a little belch, and he said
Do you have any Maalox?