Tom And Jane Eat Breakfast by Ms Caitlin Johnstone!
(2023-05-12 at 00:51:09 )

Tom And Jane Eat Breakfast by Ms Caitlin Johnstone!

[A breakfast table in America. TOM and JANE are eating breakfast and drinking coffee. JANE is reading the news on her tablet while TOM works on a crossword puzzle.]

JANE: [Sips coffee, sighs] Another mass shooting.

TOM: [Not looking up] Mmm, yeah. Des Moines.

JANE: No, another one.

TOM: Not the one in Des Moines?

JANE: No, that was earlier this morning.

TOM: Ohh, the Chicago one you mean?

JANE: No that was yesterday, I am talking about the one in Palm Springs.

TOM: Ohh, I think I saw something about that on Twitter. The synagogue?

JANE: No, this one is a preschool. The synagogue was last night in Baltimore.

TOM: A preschool? Jesus. What kind of sick f-ck shoots up a preschool?

JANE: One of the kids I guess. There was some dispute about snack time.

TOM: Oh man. Did they catch him?

JANE: Her. Live shoot-out with the police right now. They are having trouble because the girl has got some kinda machine gun and body armor. They tried to bribe her with some apple juice but the kid is not having it.

TOM: Ah, man. Come on kid, give it up, you know they are sending in the killbots next.

JANE: [Looks up] I highly doubt a four year-old girl knows about killbots, Tom.

TOM: Okay well hell, I do not know what kids know these days. How the hell does she know how to use a machine gun?

JANE: Pete was shooting the neighbors cats by that age.

TOM: Yeah, with a rifle! Machine guns are not for kids. And you gotta shoot cats, cats suck.

JANE: I like cats.

TOM: They are stupid.

JANE: They are not stupid.

TOM: Yeah they are, they are idiots. Tell them what to do and they just stare at you like a dope. Tell a dog what to do and they hop right on it.

JANE: That means cats are smarter.

TOM: Ha! Good point.

JANE: Who is smarter, the blindly obedient animal or the one who just ignores your commands?

TOM: Yup, yeah, you have got me there. [Sips coffee.] Dogs are idiots.

JANE: Dumb, obedient idiots.

TOM: Crap, I gotta get going. Gotta lay off the entire third floor today.

JANE: Huh? Why?

TOM: Dunno, boss told me to.

JANE: Oh okay.

TOM: Anything else big in the news?

JANE: Looks like the Russians are killing babies for no reason and we are gonna have to go to war.

TOM: Killing babies for no reason?

JANE: Yep, just putting them in microwaves, feeding them to sharks, launching ’them outta catapults. Just killing them.

TOM: Is that true?

JANE: It has to be. It is in the news.

TOM: Man. I hate Russians.

[Enter PETE, age 20, clearly miserable.]

JANE: Well look who it is.

TOM: Hey Pete, you gonna put in that application I gave you?

PETE: Nah.

TOM: What? Why not?

PETE: Do not wanna work there.

JANE: Oh Pete.

TOM: What is wrong? You think you are too good to work at the fish poison factory?

PETE: Uhh.. Yeah.

JANE: Oh, okay your highness.

TOM: What the hell, son? What is your problem with the fish poison factory?

PETE: They literally manufacture fish poison.

TOM: So??

JANE: They are an aquatic pest!

PETE: They are not, that is just some bullshit they made up to sell fish poison.

TOM: Oh where the hell are you getting this garbage? The internet?

JANE: Alex Jones I bet.

PETE: It is true, fish are a completely harmless animal who make up an important part of the ecosystem. They have just created an artificial demand for fish poison by an aggressive ad campaign and got the government to deregulate it after spending millions on corporate lobbying.

TOM: Oh bullshit! I have had it with these conspiracy theories, Pete! I have had it with your attitude! Why can you not just go turn gears at the fish poison factory like a normal young man? You are a goddamn embarrassment to this family.

[PETE throws up his hands and storms off.]

TOM: [Calls after him] You are gonna feel like a real asshole when there is a fish infestation and we all get the plague!

JANE: Such a disappointment.

TOM: Why can he not just be normal like us?

JANE: It needed to be said.

TOM: Ah shit I gotta run.

JANE: Get going, handsome.

TOM: Third floor folks are not gonna fire themselves.

JANE: Grab some fish poison on your way home? We are all out.

TOM: You got it toots.

[They kiss. Exit TOM. JANE goes back to reading the news.]

JANE: [Sips coffee.] Oh god, those poor Chinese. Glad I do not live in a backward, crazy country like them.

[CURTAIN]

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